September 30th, 2009
But I don't know how I'm going to go back there, because, well, I do know, actually- I'm just not going to talk. Zip. Nothing. It won't matter anyway because everything I say is now null and void, shattered beyond recognition, and no one, no one is going to listen to me and take me seriously. Why? Because I've just been branded the class ignorent racist.
God damn. God DAMN it! I don't need a fucking lecture from a toothpick who thinks she knows about being in a minority because she happened to move to a near all-black town in Rhode Island. Okay, I don't need to be fucking shot down by a pale black girl who wound up higher on the privledge line than me. It was supposed to be a safe environment where we wouldn't be insulted for expressing our opinions. That was the rule. That was the fucking rule.
But no. See, we were talking about discrimination, okay? Discrimination by skin, by gender, and eventually, discrimination by clothing. And everyone was talking about how so-and-so would get descriminated against because they dressed up in sweats and walked into a Gucci store or something, and I thought they were missing a big part of that. So, I brought up how the Goths and Wiggers are the ones on the bottom rung in our town, because they're the ones the store managers watch (Well, them and the crackheads, but the others are more visible, and that was the topic.)
Imagine my surprise that none of them had heard the term 'Wigger' before.
Well fuck. You see, I explained it as, loosly, a white person who dresses and acts like a steryotypical black person. What do you mean by steryotypical black guy? A gangster.
No fuck that's ignorance. All steryotypes are ignorance, that's why I brought it up in the DISCRIMINATION conversation! I never once said that I thought that's how all black people act, I said, "That's the steryotype." Fuck, my steryotype is a pig who can't control her eating and will never be loved, and has to rely on books and can't function in the real world- why? Because I'm a fat white chick who reads alot of fantasy and sci-fi books. I understand, that I insulted or at least shocked a few of my classmates. I certainly shocked my teacher. That wasn't my intention, okay? I was simply carrying on a point that had already been made. And it's not, it's not that big a deal in Maine- That's what I thought. I never saw the word "wigger" really insult anyone. It was more of a joke for people in a clique that couldn't be taken seriously. I do not need someone to come up to me and, speaking like I was a goddamned child, ask if I knew what the word "nigger" was. Yeah. I know. "And do you realise that the 'w' replaces the 'n' because it's for-" Yeah. I KNOW. Fuck you, okay? You didn't even know what the word was.
I hate this fucking word double-standard. I hate it. I hate that people are giving that sort of power not only to a fucking word, but also to a word that sounds like it. I suppose we should remove "rigger" from the language now too, right? Oh, oh, how about "bigger"? Bigger sounds a lot like it. Yeah, yeah, that could be offensive. How about "digger?" "Chigger?" "Ligger?" "Jigger?" "Outrigger?" "Twigger?" "Vigor?" Wigger is in the FUCKING WICTIONARY. You can have it DEFINED. It's a SUBCULTURE as much as an INSULT. AN INSULT TOWARDS WHITES. SO THE BLACKS CAN JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
Damn it. Damn it all to hell.
So. This is what I posted on Facebook a week or so back. Can't say it helps my case much, it being my case and argument all in one, but I felt it needed a follow-up, and I didn't really want to put it on Facebook. This is a journal for my personal rants and thoughts, and I may as well add it here too. But, I realised, not long after the whole incident had died down, that I was less upset at these girls han I was at myself. A little more digging, and I found out exactly why. I was angry because I let my guard down.
I've spent years cultivating an intrinsic lifestyle that prevents others from really understanding me. I've worked hard to allow my outer self to be that of a polite, refined, intelligent person, and kept the uglier parts- the crude, rude, stupid moments- to a bare minimum that I shared not even the full extent of with my closest friends. And I've always beleived myself to be a good reader of situations, so that I could act accordingly. And I told myself, at the beginning of that class, that the "ground rules", "Don't insult people or their ideas," and "This is a space where we can discuss without judgement" were hollow, empty rules that could no more be enforced than "We will not breathe". I told myself then and there I would have to be careful about what I said and how I said it, because no matter what happens, there is judgement, and I wanted to keep the judgement as light as possible. Obviously, that didn't last. And I hated myself for letting my guard down and allowing myself to beleive that any judgement on the topic I proposed would be light. Of course, that lay on the assumtion that they all- or at least one- of them had HEARD the term "Wigger" before. There is one good thing about getting the suspicion out of the way so early- people may see me as ignorent, but I've freed myself to speak more than usual. I can speak my peice, and then watch it settle. The whole thing has calmed down now, but that one girl- the one who called me ignorent- doesn't speak to me any more, except to shoot down my points. Oh well. I'm sure she appreciates the target practice.
- Location:My Dorm
- Mood:
okay - Music:Fallout Boy- Infinity on High
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