As of late, I've been doing a great deal of self examination. I'm just not sure of what I am these days.

I know I'm straight, but I'm begining to wonder if being gay would be easier to deal with, considering practically all of my closest comrades seem to be bisexual or highly effeminate. Anyone I dare to hope to crush on turns out to be gay! Except for that one guy who was taken. In what appears to be a close, happy relaitionship. Goddammit! I mean, I shouldn't be annoyed with this. I know I probably can't handle a boyfriend, but sometimes I just... wish. And that guy who hugged me three times at Portcon, the total stranger... uke pin. Also gay. Sibley? No chance really, totally different tastes, but funny, and charming, and cute, and... gay. Gay gay gay gay gay. 

I think it's in my blood. My mom's told me that I take after the Polands, or my grandmother's side. And, unfortunately for me, they have a track record of dying unwed, and alone. Is this to be my fate? Am I supposed to die unwed and alone, like some of my great aunts and uncles? Would it really be so bad? Could I even stand being with one person day in and day out? But then, I'm thinking too far ahead again. I'm seventeen. Barring natural disaster and calculating family history, I should have a good seventy years to seek out a mate. Still... maybe something's wrong with me. Maybe I missed my chance back when guys actually did ask me out.

And then, what do I do with those seventy years? I've wanted to be a lighthouse keeper, but it's all becoming automated. Not that I should lose hope. I'm certain there are some I could still deal with. So then I thought I'd be a librarian. I still think I might do that. That might be nice. Plus all the current librarians in the world are old and gray, and should be dropping off like flies any day now. 

But then again, there're all the jobs I must put behind me before I can have a career. The sweeping and mopping, the dishwashing and waitressing, and shelf stocking and cashiering and burger flippin that one must learn and do before advancing to "real" jobs. And I started late. My peers have all held or been holding jobs for years now. I only just got my first real, not-babysitting job last month. My mother has been pushing me to get another job, but I have such little experiance I despair of ever reaching any goals I've set. I almost had a job as an intern in the DRA, but alas, the only other applicant had "more experiance." 

Experiance.

Where the hell do I get that  when I need it to get it?

Am I truly so inept in this world of reality? Am I so book smart that I cannot function in the world of action and decision? In truth, Librarian may be the only job I'd be good at. I already understand catalouguing systems, research tactics and I've an artistic flair for displays. What better world for me to exist in than that of rustling pages and fantasy and history and all the wonders of the world beneath a single roof?

I was once called "An asset to the world." I wish I could live up to that, for even a moment.